Personal Change Project
Overview
During this semester I have been working on changing my mindset about communication. In the past I had been very nervous to communicate and usually avoided it as much as I could. This led to low self-esteem and very poor relationships. I decided that it was time to finally change my mindset and become a more confident happy communicator. In order to do this I used different strategies such as positive interpersonal communication, stopping social comparison, reframing, and seeking support. I had to try extra hard to remember these and try my best not to revert back to my old thinking. I ran into a few problems when it came to my depression and anxiety. Often I would feel like I was improving or doing well when suddenly my illness would convince me otherwise and I would have to start back at the beginning. I feel like I worked very hard and did a great job. I am proud of myself for coming so far in such a short amount of time. I still have much to work on but after this class I am well on my way to success.
Unwanted Communication Pattern
I used to have a very hard time communicating with other people and would avoid talking with them, especially if I just barely met them or didn’t know them. I would be nervous that I would say the wrong thing or not say it the way I should, and because of this I developed very low willingness to communicate (pg 42) and even lower self-esteem (pg 43). I had started to become extremely anxious about communicating, whether it was immediate or suppose to happen in the future. I would stress over what I should or shouldn’t say before the conversation even started. With this mentality I would tend to avoid conversation completely in order to spare myself embarrassment and save my face (pg 45). Being like this made me miss out on a lot of opportunities to make more friends or improve my relationship with others.
This would happen in a lot of situations, for example I would never answer the phone when someone called. Even if I knew it was important I would try my best not to answer it and would then reply with a text because I felt more comfortable that way. Through texting I could plan what I wanted to say first so I could think about it and make sure it was the right thing to say. I hated phones calls
Another example was I wouldn’t go hang out with anyone or would bail at the last minute. I would worry about what might happen or that I might say or do something stupid and the other person would think I was dumb. For instance I had a friend who would invite me to go bowling every weekend. I would always get excited and say yes because I loved bowling but by the time it came to go I would text them last minute with a dumb excuse on why I couldn’t make it. I would then just sit at home.
My last example comes with dating. I would be terrified to talk to boys or to strike up a conversation first. If they happened to approach me I would get all nervous and tell myself they didn’t like me, that I wasn’t good enough, and that I shouldn’t say anything stupid. After conversations I would replay them in my head over and over again and think of what I should have said instead that would have been better and then beat myself up about it.
Because of these types of avoidance I stopped making friends or going places. The friend who went bowling stopped inviting me because he knew I wouldn’t come. I didn’t talk to boys and typically didn’t date at all anymore. I missed important information when I didn’t answer calls and people were even madder at me. People had begun to think I was unreliable because I never communicated with them. This led to poor relationships with friends, family, or love interests. In turn, without correct communication skills and poor relationships my self-esteem had continued to drop.
Strategies
In order to change my communication habits and to become more self-confident I turned to our textbook for ways to help. I then put these strategies to the test to see if they really worked and if I could really change. The main strategies I focused on were engaging in self-talk, avoid comparing myself to others, reframing appropriately, and seeking support.
Interpersonal communication is “communication within yourself” (pg 45) also known as self-talk. Self-talk is used to build your confidence and help your self-esteem. The book states “realistic, positive self-talk can have a reassuring effect on your level of self-worth and on your interactions with others” (pg 45). I was always telling myself that the conversation was going to go wrong and I was going to mess up. This led me to many self-fulfilling prophecies (pg. 51) that led to failed communication. “Repeating negative messages about your lack of skill and ability can keep you from trying and achieving” (pg 45). I tried this semester to have optimistic thoughts in my head in order to help me be more confident in my words for a more positive and strong communication. I needed to change my thought process.
One major problem I had that led to low self-esteem was social comparison (pg 44). I would look at what other people had and their ability to effectively communicate and compare my social status and abilities to theirs. This greatly lowered my self-esteem and gave me conversation apprehension (pg. 42) with people I believed to be “better” than me. In order to fix this I planned on implementing the strategy of avoiding comparing myself to others (pg 48). I wanted to be mindful of how this comparison effected my self-esteem and use it to focus on the unique qualities that made me me instead.
My next step was reframing appropriately” (pg. 49). “Reframing is the process of redefining events and experiences from a different point of view” (pg 49). When conversations would go badly or an interaction didn’t go the way I planned I would always look at the negative side and decide that I had failed. By using reframing I could learn to see the positive and try to make future conversations go as well as past ones. Along with seeing the situation from a different view I could also use reframing to let go of the past. When I “mess up” in a conversation I would cling on to that and remember that in the future. “Looking back at what we can’t change reinforces a sense of helplessness” (pg 49). If I continued to replay negative experiences in my mind I would only make it more difficult to change my outlook and improve my sense of worth. If I realize that changes and accidents happen I will be able to develop more realistic views of myself.
The final strategy I planned to use was seeking support (pg 49). Not only from close friends and family but getting professional help as well. I was diagnosed with anxiety and depression at a young age and they both have been large contributing factors to my low self-esteem. Because it was harder for me to change my mind and feelings I decided I wanted to seek help to sort through my issues. If I could communicate with a licensed therapist I could talk through what I do wrong and figure out ways I could improve them. Talk therapy (pg. 50) would be a good way to help overcome my self-efficacy (pg. 43) and help me learn to trust myself, and my interactions with others. I felt an outside source would be able to teach me effective communication and improved thinking. It is known that “speech communication affects each of us to share in the development of our own self-concept and the fulfillment of that self-concept” (pg 50).
Constraints
Not to my surprise I ran into a few challenges while trying to change my unwanted habit. As hard as I tried my anxiety would eventually push itself to the surface and I would have to start all over again. Just as I got to a point where I thought I was doing well and had more confidence in communicating I would suddenly revert back to the beginning. It was hard to keep up my positive self-talk in order to communicate successfully and sometimes I would go back to avoiding it. When I would mess up or say something stupid it was very difficult to reframe the situation and I would get frustrated with myself. Because I have had this issue my whole life it was very hard to change my way of thinking and remember the strategies I was suppose to be using.
Implementation
The first issue I knew I had to tackle was my self-talk (pg 45). I knew that if I wanted this entire process to work I would have to begin by convincing myself that I could do it. Each day I would try and sit down and talk with myself. I would review how the day went and mentally pinpoint the positives. I would list the things I was good at not just during that day but over all. I focused only on the good at first and tried to forget the negative. I knew I needed to build up my confidence before I could tackle communication with other people. Every morning when I woke up I would spend a few minutes looking in the mirror saying positive affirmations about my communication skills and me as a person. I would try throughout the day to remember my major accomplishments in the past and think “if you can do that you can talk to a few people today”. I once thought to myself “common Becca, you ran Ragnar. Ragnar. If you can do that you can talk to your coworker for five minutes and not die”. I would also remind myself how good I am at writing and tell myself that it was basically the same thing as talking with people so I should be great at it. I did my best to keep up positive self-talk as well as trying positive self-fulfilling prophecies instead of my usually negative ones. “You can increase your chances for success by having a more positive mindset. Your attitudes, beliefs, and general expectations about your performance have a powerful and profound effect on your behavior” (pg 51). I tried my best to keep this thought in my mind and even hung up a quote on my wall to remind me. This quote by George Bernard Shaw reads, “If you treat a girl like a flower girl, that’s all she will ever be. If you treat her like a princess, she may be one.” I kept this up in my room to remember everyday to treat myself like I was important and could be a successful communicator.
The next major problem I had when it came to communicating and my self-esteem was the fact that I would constantly compare myself to others. Our book states that we should try our best to be mindful of the types of comparisons we make and how they influence our self-esteem, this way we can learn not to rely on such comparisons to define our self-worth (pg 49). In order to recognize my negative thinking and what I should try and think instead I decided to look up some suggested ideas. One of the tips I found was to “recognize you are incomparable” (Marelisa). It may seem cliché but I needed to realize that I am unique and no one else out there is exactly like me. In order to do this I sat down and wrote a list of qualities that make me unique. I then moved on to “realizing that comparisons are unfair” (Marelisa). I need to understand that life isn’t equal and that’s just how it is. All our lives are different and we are all at different points in them so how can we compare that. We were all handed specific lives, where we live, the family we were born into, our race or gender, etc. We all are doing our best with what we have so when I see someone I think is more successful than me I need to remember that I do not know how they got there and that even though I’m not there I can be eventually, and maybe even realize that that life just wasn’t meant for me. “Your time is sacred. Why waste it thinking of the achievements of others?” (Marelisa). Whenever I was starting to compare myself with someone else I would take a minute to step back go do something that I enjoyed doing, or spending time with someone I loved, or even going out and learning something new. All of these allowed me to focus on myself rather than on other people. However I think one of the most important strategies I learned was stop competing with others and “compete with yourself”. (Marelisa). What this means is that when you compare yourself to others and pointing out your differences or downfalls you will have trouble improving because you can’t control the other person’s life. What you should do instead is compete with your past self. I stopped looking at what other people had and I didn’t and instead looked back on what I use to not have but have now. Was I making more money now than a year ago? Is my job more satisfying to me than the last one I had. Am I in better shape now than six months ago? Compete with yourself that way you can only improve. I decided to try my best to realize that I am a better communicator now than I have been in the past and it helped me to build my confidence for future communications knowing that I was capable of improving. And finally I came to realize that though you shouldn’t compare yourself you can still appreciate and be inspired by the success of others. Don’t say, “they are better than me, he has a job that makes him lots of money” but instead think, “wow look how successful he is. I bet he worked hard and maybe he can teach me some tricks. I know if I work hard enough I will be able to find a job I enjoy and pays well”.
Keeping these aspects in mind I approached an opportunity to communicate with a coworker I had not yet met in person. I had talked to her over text and followed her on a few social media sites but our schedules never overlapped in order for us to be at work at the same time. Looking through her instagram and hearing the things other coworkers said about her made me feel a bit jealous. There aren’t very many women at my work and it was easy to compare myself with her appearance and personality. I wanted to be liked and was nervous this girl would be prettier, funnier, friendlier, and more liked than me. I definitely did not want to talk to her or be around her. One day I had to go into work to grab something and she happened to be working. I hesitated for a minute but then reminded myself of the strategies I had learned. “Go talk to her. At least then you can actually get to know her and see what she is really like and if there is even a reason to be jealous.” Turns out that we are nothing alike, we were raised different, looked different, acted different, and we weren’t even around the same age. After I was done I looked back and realized there is no way I could even start to compare us, it would not be useful. From then on when I spoke to her or someone brought her up at work I didn’t get jealous, realizing that we each have our strong points and I love mine so I don’t need hers.
The strategy that I had the hardest time using was reframing appropriately (pg 49). I tend to remember negative experiences and dwell on them for a long time, diminishing my self-worth as well as increasing my fear of communication. I tried to remember the books advice that even in a negative experience that my self-worth does not depend on one moment or one mistake. However my anxiety and depression convinced me otherwise. I’d over stress about things and think that small things are big deals. I then only saw the negative and it was hard to put a positive twist on it. This was especially true when people get mad at me. I’d immediately shut down, stop talking to anyone, and usually get emotional. For example a few weeks back I had a coworker who approached my desk. I honestly can’t even remember what he said to me but he was mad about something and said that I didn’t do it right or something like that and then left my desk. After he left I sat there in dead silence and just tried to breathe. I kept telling myself that it was no big deal and I should just move on. However throughout the day I kept remembering it and get mad at myself for doing something stupid and for not explaining myself back and sticking up for myself. I remembered that I needed to work on reframing and I tried my best but it was very difficult. It wasn’t until I got home that night and sat down to think that I realized that he wasn’t even really mad at me, that his raised voice and what I thought was a mean tone, was really just the way he was. I realized that it was a small mistake and I wouldn’t make it again so it honestly didn’t matter. He probably wouldn’t even remember it the next day. I took a minute to myself to reflect on what happened and decided that next time I would do a better job at reframing in the moment so that I wouldn’t be so upset.
It was hard to overcome the constraints that I mentioned above and I often found myself falling back into them. In order to fix this I decided to implement my final strategy which was seeking support from family as well as talk therapy from a professional (pg 49-50). I realized that I would not be able to change my thought process on my own. As I saw her every other week we could discuss my progress and how I had done in my communicating skills that week. When I would fall back into old behavior she would remind me why I was doing this and would have me go through my strategies with her again to try and ingrain them in my head. It was very helpful to go back and walk through certain conversations and situations I had experienced during the week with her. She would have me think of what I did right, what I could improve on, how important it truly was, and how I could do it again in the future even more successfully. I definitely believe this was the most helpful and needed strategy to change my unwanted communication habits.
Results
Looking back at the beginning of the semester I can definitely see a huge change in my self-confidence and the way I communicate. It completely changed the way I though about communicating and myself. Looking back I can see a major change in my attitude, beliefs, and values (pg 33). I learned to change my attitude about communication and realized it was not as bad and scary as I thought it was. Instead of fearing the idea I am now welcome to new chances at talking to people, getting to know them, and improving my self-worth. This change in attitude also changed my beliefs about communicating. A belief is a “way in which you structure your understanding of reality – what is true and what is false for you” (pg 33). These are based on past experiences and for me that meant a belief that I was terrible at communicating and that it was just not my thing. I also believed if I ignored it then I wouldn’t have a problem, which was the opposite. Through this process I have come to understand and believe that communicating is essential and can improve your friendships, face, and self-esteem. I came to realize that communication was good and that tearing myself down was not helping anyone. My value of the importance and ease of communicating changed.
Although I still have some insecurities and sometimes for get the strategies and fall back to negative thoughts, I know that I have the ability to affect my own thinking and that I can do it if I try hard enough. I honestly didn’t really experience any negative consequences and I actually even had a few coworkers approach me and make comments about how they have seen me come out of my shell. They could notice a difference from when I started until now and it’s only been two months! I am excited to keep working at it and continuing my therapy in order to become the best I can be. I have learned a lot from these strategies and the textbook and will always remember what I have learned. I am definitely happier and have made many friends at work, I now love being there and talking to everyone and I’m excited to implement that into the rest of my life.
Recommendations
“Understanding your interactions with individuals and groups, the roles you assume, your self-labels, your personality, and your biology, including your overall comfort level in communicating with others – can help you understand who you are and why you interact (or don’t interact) with others. But it’s not only who you are the influences your communication; it’s also your overall sense of self-esteem or self-worth” (pg 42).
I plan on continuing my work of improving my self-esteem and communication habits. I have loved the change in my self-confidence I have witnessed over the last few months. I am so much happier and have made so many more friends, not to mention actually gone on a few dates (which is huge for me). I want to continue to improve so that one day I will hopefully have no fear of communicating and no self-doubt. I will make sure I keep up my therapy and talking through situations with my therapist as well as family members. I will try and branch out even more and take it one step further. I hope to try and get to a point where I am willing to initiate conversation with someone I do not know. This would be huge. I am going to try and continue my journal with positive self-talk and reflect each day on what I did successfully.
The next theory I think I will work on is "understanding my interpersonal needs" (pg 53). I want to understand just how important inclusion, control, and affection play in my life. If I can understand these things I know that I will know exactly why I am communicating and my intent with other people. This way I can build stronger relationships and know what my hard work will be rewarded with.
Works Cited
Beebe, S., Beebe S., & Redmond M. (2014). Interpersonal Communication: Relating to Others (7th ed.). Boston: Pearson Publishers.
M. (2016, May 30). How to Stop Comparing Yourself to Others and Stay In Your Own Life. Retrieved August 05, 2017, from https://daringtolivefully.com/stop-comparing-yourself-to-others
During this semester I have been working on changing my mindset about communication. In the past I had been very nervous to communicate and usually avoided it as much as I could. This led to low self-esteem and very poor relationships. I decided that it was time to finally change my mindset and become a more confident happy communicator. In order to do this I used different strategies such as positive interpersonal communication, stopping social comparison, reframing, and seeking support. I had to try extra hard to remember these and try my best not to revert back to my old thinking. I ran into a few problems when it came to my depression and anxiety. Often I would feel like I was improving or doing well when suddenly my illness would convince me otherwise and I would have to start back at the beginning. I feel like I worked very hard and did a great job. I am proud of myself for coming so far in such a short amount of time. I still have much to work on but after this class I am well on my way to success.
Unwanted Communication Pattern
I used to have a very hard time communicating with other people and would avoid talking with them, especially if I just barely met them or didn’t know them. I would be nervous that I would say the wrong thing or not say it the way I should, and because of this I developed very low willingness to communicate (pg 42) and even lower self-esteem (pg 43). I had started to become extremely anxious about communicating, whether it was immediate or suppose to happen in the future. I would stress over what I should or shouldn’t say before the conversation even started. With this mentality I would tend to avoid conversation completely in order to spare myself embarrassment and save my face (pg 45). Being like this made me miss out on a lot of opportunities to make more friends or improve my relationship with others.
This would happen in a lot of situations, for example I would never answer the phone when someone called. Even if I knew it was important I would try my best not to answer it and would then reply with a text because I felt more comfortable that way. Through texting I could plan what I wanted to say first so I could think about it and make sure it was the right thing to say. I hated phones calls
Another example was I wouldn’t go hang out with anyone or would bail at the last minute. I would worry about what might happen or that I might say or do something stupid and the other person would think I was dumb. For instance I had a friend who would invite me to go bowling every weekend. I would always get excited and say yes because I loved bowling but by the time it came to go I would text them last minute with a dumb excuse on why I couldn’t make it. I would then just sit at home.
My last example comes with dating. I would be terrified to talk to boys or to strike up a conversation first. If they happened to approach me I would get all nervous and tell myself they didn’t like me, that I wasn’t good enough, and that I shouldn’t say anything stupid. After conversations I would replay them in my head over and over again and think of what I should have said instead that would have been better and then beat myself up about it.
Because of these types of avoidance I stopped making friends or going places. The friend who went bowling stopped inviting me because he knew I wouldn’t come. I didn’t talk to boys and typically didn’t date at all anymore. I missed important information when I didn’t answer calls and people were even madder at me. People had begun to think I was unreliable because I never communicated with them. This led to poor relationships with friends, family, or love interests. In turn, without correct communication skills and poor relationships my self-esteem had continued to drop.
Strategies
In order to change my communication habits and to become more self-confident I turned to our textbook for ways to help. I then put these strategies to the test to see if they really worked and if I could really change. The main strategies I focused on were engaging in self-talk, avoid comparing myself to others, reframing appropriately, and seeking support.
Interpersonal communication is “communication within yourself” (pg 45) also known as self-talk. Self-talk is used to build your confidence and help your self-esteem. The book states “realistic, positive self-talk can have a reassuring effect on your level of self-worth and on your interactions with others” (pg 45). I was always telling myself that the conversation was going to go wrong and I was going to mess up. This led me to many self-fulfilling prophecies (pg. 51) that led to failed communication. “Repeating negative messages about your lack of skill and ability can keep you from trying and achieving” (pg 45). I tried this semester to have optimistic thoughts in my head in order to help me be more confident in my words for a more positive and strong communication. I needed to change my thought process.
One major problem I had that led to low self-esteem was social comparison (pg 44). I would look at what other people had and their ability to effectively communicate and compare my social status and abilities to theirs. This greatly lowered my self-esteem and gave me conversation apprehension (pg. 42) with people I believed to be “better” than me. In order to fix this I planned on implementing the strategy of avoiding comparing myself to others (pg 48). I wanted to be mindful of how this comparison effected my self-esteem and use it to focus on the unique qualities that made me me instead.
My next step was reframing appropriately” (pg. 49). “Reframing is the process of redefining events and experiences from a different point of view” (pg 49). When conversations would go badly or an interaction didn’t go the way I planned I would always look at the negative side and decide that I had failed. By using reframing I could learn to see the positive and try to make future conversations go as well as past ones. Along with seeing the situation from a different view I could also use reframing to let go of the past. When I “mess up” in a conversation I would cling on to that and remember that in the future. “Looking back at what we can’t change reinforces a sense of helplessness” (pg 49). If I continued to replay negative experiences in my mind I would only make it more difficult to change my outlook and improve my sense of worth. If I realize that changes and accidents happen I will be able to develop more realistic views of myself.
The final strategy I planned to use was seeking support (pg 49). Not only from close friends and family but getting professional help as well. I was diagnosed with anxiety and depression at a young age and they both have been large contributing factors to my low self-esteem. Because it was harder for me to change my mind and feelings I decided I wanted to seek help to sort through my issues. If I could communicate with a licensed therapist I could talk through what I do wrong and figure out ways I could improve them. Talk therapy (pg. 50) would be a good way to help overcome my self-efficacy (pg. 43) and help me learn to trust myself, and my interactions with others. I felt an outside source would be able to teach me effective communication and improved thinking. It is known that “speech communication affects each of us to share in the development of our own self-concept and the fulfillment of that self-concept” (pg 50).
Constraints
Not to my surprise I ran into a few challenges while trying to change my unwanted habit. As hard as I tried my anxiety would eventually push itself to the surface and I would have to start all over again. Just as I got to a point where I thought I was doing well and had more confidence in communicating I would suddenly revert back to the beginning. It was hard to keep up my positive self-talk in order to communicate successfully and sometimes I would go back to avoiding it. When I would mess up or say something stupid it was very difficult to reframe the situation and I would get frustrated with myself. Because I have had this issue my whole life it was very hard to change my way of thinking and remember the strategies I was suppose to be using.
Implementation
The first issue I knew I had to tackle was my self-talk (pg 45). I knew that if I wanted this entire process to work I would have to begin by convincing myself that I could do it. Each day I would try and sit down and talk with myself. I would review how the day went and mentally pinpoint the positives. I would list the things I was good at not just during that day but over all. I focused only on the good at first and tried to forget the negative. I knew I needed to build up my confidence before I could tackle communication with other people. Every morning when I woke up I would spend a few minutes looking in the mirror saying positive affirmations about my communication skills and me as a person. I would try throughout the day to remember my major accomplishments in the past and think “if you can do that you can talk to a few people today”. I once thought to myself “common Becca, you ran Ragnar. Ragnar. If you can do that you can talk to your coworker for five minutes and not die”. I would also remind myself how good I am at writing and tell myself that it was basically the same thing as talking with people so I should be great at it. I did my best to keep up positive self-talk as well as trying positive self-fulfilling prophecies instead of my usually negative ones. “You can increase your chances for success by having a more positive mindset. Your attitudes, beliefs, and general expectations about your performance have a powerful and profound effect on your behavior” (pg 51). I tried my best to keep this thought in my mind and even hung up a quote on my wall to remind me. This quote by George Bernard Shaw reads, “If you treat a girl like a flower girl, that’s all she will ever be. If you treat her like a princess, she may be one.” I kept this up in my room to remember everyday to treat myself like I was important and could be a successful communicator.
The next major problem I had when it came to communicating and my self-esteem was the fact that I would constantly compare myself to others. Our book states that we should try our best to be mindful of the types of comparisons we make and how they influence our self-esteem, this way we can learn not to rely on such comparisons to define our self-worth (pg 49). In order to recognize my negative thinking and what I should try and think instead I decided to look up some suggested ideas. One of the tips I found was to “recognize you are incomparable” (Marelisa). It may seem cliché but I needed to realize that I am unique and no one else out there is exactly like me. In order to do this I sat down and wrote a list of qualities that make me unique. I then moved on to “realizing that comparisons are unfair” (Marelisa). I need to understand that life isn’t equal and that’s just how it is. All our lives are different and we are all at different points in them so how can we compare that. We were all handed specific lives, where we live, the family we were born into, our race or gender, etc. We all are doing our best with what we have so when I see someone I think is more successful than me I need to remember that I do not know how they got there and that even though I’m not there I can be eventually, and maybe even realize that that life just wasn’t meant for me. “Your time is sacred. Why waste it thinking of the achievements of others?” (Marelisa). Whenever I was starting to compare myself with someone else I would take a minute to step back go do something that I enjoyed doing, or spending time with someone I loved, or even going out and learning something new. All of these allowed me to focus on myself rather than on other people. However I think one of the most important strategies I learned was stop competing with others and “compete with yourself”. (Marelisa). What this means is that when you compare yourself to others and pointing out your differences or downfalls you will have trouble improving because you can’t control the other person’s life. What you should do instead is compete with your past self. I stopped looking at what other people had and I didn’t and instead looked back on what I use to not have but have now. Was I making more money now than a year ago? Is my job more satisfying to me than the last one I had. Am I in better shape now than six months ago? Compete with yourself that way you can only improve. I decided to try my best to realize that I am a better communicator now than I have been in the past and it helped me to build my confidence for future communications knowing that I was capable of improving. And finally I came to realize that though you shouldn’t compare yourself you can still appreciate and be inspired by the success of others. Don’t say, “they are better than me, he has a job that makes him lots of money” but instead think, “wow look how successful he is. I bet he worked hard and maybe he can teach me some tricks. I know if I work hard enough I will be able to find a job I enjoy and pays well”.
Keeping these aspects in mind I approached an opportunity to communicate with a coworker I had not yet met in person. I had talked to her over text and followed her on a few social media sites but our schedules never overlapped in order for us to be at work at the same time. Looking through her instagram and hearing the things other coworkers said about her made me feel a bit jealous. There aren’t very many women at my work and it was easy to compare myself with her appearance and personality. I wanted to be liked and was nervous this girl would be prettier, funnier, friendlier, and more liked than me. I definitely did not want to talk to her or be around her. One day I had to go into work to grab something and she happened to be working. I hesitated for a minute but then reminded myself of the strategies I had learned. “Go talk to her. At least then you can actually get to know her and see what she is really like and if there is even a reason to be jealous.” Turns out that we are nothing alike, we were raised different, looked different, acted different, and we weren’t even around the same age. After I was done I looked back and realized there is no way I could even start to compare us, it would not be useful. From then on when I spoke to her or someone brought her up at work I didn’t get jealous, realizing that we each have our strong points and I love mine so I don’t need hers.
The strategy that I had the hardest time using was reframing appropriately (pg 49). I tend to remember negative experiences and dwell on them for a long time, diminishing my self-worth as well as increasing my fear of communication. I tried to remember the books advice that even in a negative experience that my self-worth does not depend on one moment or one mistake. However my anxiety and depression convinced me otherwise. I’d over stress about things and think that small things are big deals. I then only saw the negative and it was hard to put a positive twist on it. This was especially true when people get mad at me. I’d immediately shut down, stop talking to anyone, and usually get emotional. For example a few weeks back I had a coworker who approached my desk. I honestly can’t even remember what he said to me but he was mad about something and said that I didn’t do it right or something like that and then left my desk. After he left I sat there in dead silence and just tried to breathe. I kept telling myself that it was no big deal and I should just move on. However throughout the day I kept remembering it and get mad at myself for doing something stupid and for not explaining myself back and sticking up for myself. I remembered that I needed to work on reframing and I tried my best but it was very difficult. It wasn’t until I got home that night and sat down to think that I realized that he wasn’t even really mad at me, that his raised voice and what I thought was a mean tone, was really just the way he was. I realized that it was a small mistake and I wouldn’t make it again so it honestly didn’t matter. He probably wouldn’t even remember it the next day. I took a minute to myself to reflect on what happened and decided that next time I would do a better job at reframing in the moment so that I wouldn’t be so upset.
It was hard to overcome the constraints that I mentioned above and I often found myself falling back into them. In order to fix this I decided to implement my final strategy which was seeking support from family as well as talk therapy from a professional (pg 49-50). I realized that I would not be able to change my thought process on my own. As I saw her every other week we could discuss my progress and how I had done in my communicating skills that week. When I would fall back into old behavior she would remind me why I was doing this and would have me go through my strategies with her again to try and ingrain them in my head. It was very helpful to go back and walk through certain conversations and situations I had experienced during the week with her. She would have me think of what I did right, what I could improve on, how important it truly was, and how I could do it again in the future even more successfully. I definitely believe this was the most helpful and needed strategy to change my unwanted communication habits.
Results
Looking back at the beginning of the semester I can definitely see a huge change in my self-confidence and the way I communicate. It completely changed the way I though about communicating and myself. Looking back I can see a major change in my attitude, beliefs, and values (pg 33). I learned to change my attitude about communication and realized it was not as bad and scary as I thought it was. Instead of fearing the idea I am now welcome to new chances at talking to people, getting to know them, and improving my self-worth. This change in attitude also changed my beliefs about communicating. A belief is a “way in which you structure your understanding of reality – what is true and what is false for you” (pg 33). These are based on past experiences and for me that meant a belief that I was terrible at communicating and that it was just not my thing. I also believed if I ignored it then I wouldn’t have a problem, which was the opposite. Through this process I have come to understand and believe that communicating is essential and can improve your friendships, face, and self-esteem. I came to realize that communication was good and that tearing myself down was not helping anyone. My value of the importance and ease of communicating changed.
Although I still have some insecurities and sometimes for get the strategies and fall back to negative thoughts, I know that I have the ability to affect my own thinking and that I can do it if I try hard enough. I honestly didn’t really experience any negative consequences and I actually even had a few coworkers approach me and make comments about how they have seen me come out of my shell. They could notice a difference from when I started until now and it’s only been two months! I am excited to keep working at it and continuing my therapy in order to become the best I can be. I have learned a lot from these strategies and the textbook and will always remember what I have learned. I am definitely happier and have made many friends at work, I now love being there and talking to everyone and I’m excited to implement that into the rest of my life.
Recommendations
“Understanding your interactions with individuals and groups, the roles you assume, your self-labels, your personality, and your biology, including your overall comfort level in communicating with others – can help you understand who you are and why you interact (or don’t interact) with others. But it’s not only who you are the influences your communication; it’s also your overall sense of self-esteem or self-worth” (pg 42).
I plan on continuing my work of improving my self-esteem and communication habits. I have loved the change in my self-confidence I have witnessed over the last few months. I am so much happier and have made so many more friends, not to mention actually gone on a few dates (which is huge for me). I want to continue to improve so that one day I will hopefully have no fear of communicating and no self-doubt. I will make sure I keep up my therapy and talking through situations with my therapist as well as family members. I will try and branch out even more and take it one step further. I hope to try and get to a point where I am willing to initiate conversation with someone I do not know. This would be huge. I am going to try and continue my journal with positive self-talk and reflect each day on what I did successfully.
The next theory I think I will work on is "understanding my interpersonal needs" (pg 53). I want to understand just how important inclusion, control, and affection play in my life. If I can understand these things I know that I will know exactly why I am communicating and my intent with other people. This way I can build stronger relationships and know what my hard work will be rewarded with.
Works Cited
Beebe, S., Beebe S., & Redmond M. (2014). Interpersonal Communication: Relating to Others (7th ed.). Boston: Pearson Publishers.
M. (2016, May 30). How to Stop Comparing Yourself to Others and Stay In Your Own Life. Retrieved August 05, 2017, from https://daringtolivefully.com/stop-comparing-yourself-to-others
Reflection
This was actually believe this was an extremely helpful assignment. It definitely helped me to grasp the concepts in the book better and increased my knowledge of the way in which I communicate. I can know try my best to apply them in real life, in my life, and improve not only my self-esteem but my image to others as well. With this project the book seemed more real and applicable and it has helped me learn strategies that will allow me to communicate better and be more successful with people and in my future career. As I continue my education and even after graduation I now have the skills I need to be confident in talking with others and in getting things done while also being other-oriented and making people happy.
Interpersonal Communication has allowed me to better communicate with my teacher and fellow students in my other general education classes. It has given me the skill to be successful in any subject because I now understand what people think and how to communicate correctly with them. I will definitely use the skills I have learned in this class for the rest of my life and I am excited to see where it takes me.
Interpersonal Communication has allowed me to better communicate with my teacher and fellow students in my other general education classes. It has given me the skill to be successful in any subject because I now understand what people think and how to communicate correctly with them. I will definitely use the skills I have learned in this class for the rest of my life and I am excited to see where it takes me.